"He's addicted to porn!" is fast becoming the latest relationship scapegoat. Wit Fox News columnist Yvonne Fulbright's article guiding women towards this false conclusion (via Jezebel). While porn certainly has its faults, being the universal cause of bad relationships is not one of them.
Here's Fulbright's list of clues your partner has a porn addiction:
- Your partner is not as social as he used to be.
- Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.
- Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.
- Your partner does not seem “present.”
- Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.
- You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers from your lover.
- Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.
- You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s demeanor.
Well Jesus, who doesn't have a porn addiction? I have no doubt that I myself have fit the criteria in nearly all of my relationships.
Her advice is not only wrong, it's actively destructive, since bringing accusations about porn into the midst of a deteriorating relationship is only going to make things worse. So moral of the story is don't scapegoat porn--it's rarely the cause of your problems. Your bad relationship with an ill-suited partner is more likely the culprit.
I know that some women don't care to hear a man defend himself against these charges, but here ya go... the sex life of my marriage steadily decreased over the years, yet porn was not the problem. Sure, I hid it at first, but once my wife knew, she understood and then admitted she had zero interest in watching any of it with me. Our sex life had its highs & lows during the last 8 years, but has suffered most of its decline due to old back/neck physical pain issues she endures. This has caused dry patches of weeks, months and now one year+ since the last time we had sex... although NOW she thinks I watch too much porn! I can't win for trying, I've been patient and faithful during the endless droughts, we still love each other and are great friends regardless. Who knows what's a person supposed to do? There is no guidebook on sexuality, it's too complex whether single or in a couple and the dynamic can shift without warning. Porn can be a healthy part of a person's sex life, single or attached, but you're right that when problems begin they often would have arisen with or without the porn.
Posted by: Brian | June 11, 2008 at 01:31 AM
Thanks for sharing this, Brian. Your story really illustrates my point--these sorts of difficulties are rarely about porn, but it's such an obvious presence that it's difficult not to focus on it.
Another point I meant to note in my post is that "accepting" a partner's interest in porn does not require participation. I think women sometimes feel that they need to be part of their partner's porn-related activities because it's linked with sex. This may be more a personal preference, but I think it's perfectly fine for people in a relationship to have their own private porn, separate from their partner. As long as there isn't deception involved, I don't really see the harm.
Posted by: Rebecca R | June 11, 2008 at 07:37 PM
Poor porn. It's the easy scapegoat, isn't it? I laughed when I read your list of things to look for when you suspect your partner is addicted to porn; as you noted, these signs of pulling away could be due to anything. And they're especially destructive because they take the focus off of YOU and place it firmly on your (depraved, brain-addled, porn-addicted) partner. Anytime there's a problem in a relationship, we need to look inside and examine where we might be a contributor to the problem. Good post.
Posted by: JaneVargas | August 13, 2008 at 08:30 AM